| Author | Message | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1931 Registered: 12-2003 |
Revision: To Werner in Trier As if in a dream You turn to the calm lamp within. -- Georg Trakl Trakl’s autumn is upon us and like righteous pilgrims we struggle to translate his poems. Nouns blow in from the woods to nestle against our doors, collect in porch corners. Adjectives rattle inside of dried seed pods. Crystalline verbs cling to brown blades of grass and like ghosts live longest in the shadows. My footsteps sing out crossing fields of stubble corn as the wind carries the air I breathed yesterday across the ocean to become the oxygen that reddens the blood of the words that pass between us today. Each syllable is a feather I use to reconstruct the hawk’s body missing from the wings I discovered outspread at the edge of the field. I raise the bloody stumps like a lyre to hear the voice of the wind. I fix the sockets into my shoulder blades, ride the air currents back to the old country where I see you standing in the shadows of Black Gate holding a black cat. I soar over the three ponds of Hellbrunn to the gothic splendor of the beautiful city, climb the slopes of the Mönchsberg, storm the turrets of fortress Hohensalzburg. On either side of the Atlantic we turn his words into purple candle flames that light darkened rooms as our heads slowly silver with the winter wisdom of the lonely one. Original: To Werner in Trier As if in a dream You turn to the calm lamp within. -- Georg Trakl Trakl’s autumn is upon us and like righteous pilgrims we struggle to translate his words into my native tongue. Nouns, singular and plural, blow in from the woods to nestle against our doors, collect in porch corners. Adjectives rattle inside of dried seed pods. Crystalline verbs cling to brown blades of grass and like ghosts live longest in the shadows. My footsteps sing out crossing fields of stubble corn as the wind carries the air I breathed yesterday across the ocean to become the oxygen that reddens the blood of today’s words that pass between us. Each is a feather I use to reconstruct the hawk’s body missing from the wings I found outspread at the edge of the field. I raise the bloody stumps like a lyre to hear the voice of the wind. I fix the sockets into my shoulder blades, ride the air currents back to the old country where I see you standing in the shadows of Black Gate holding a black cat. I soar over the three ponds of Hellbrunn to the gothic splendor of the beautiful city, climb the slopes of the Mönchsberg, storm the turrets of fortress Hohensalzburg. On either side of the Atlantic we turn his words into purple candle flames that light darkened rooms as our heads slowly silver with the winter wisdom of the lonely one. (Message edited by jimdoss on February 16, 2006) My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Co-Editor Loch Raven Review: http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4005 Registered: 07-2002 |
Jim--good to see you, my friend! I think I need to read some Trakl to fully appreciate this piece. I like the way you describe the difficulty in translating poetry from one language to another. I wondered at the triplets--it seemed to make the read jumpy. Some comments in line for your consideration: Trakl’s autumn is upon us and like righteous pilgrims <--love this opening! we struggle to translate his words <--wonder if a different word for 'words' here--poems, verses, etc might be better into my native tongue. <--the shift from our to my felt jarring Nouns, singular and plural, blow in <--not sure the 'singular and plural' add anything here from the woods to nestle against our doors, collect in porch corners. Adjectives rattle inside of dried seed pods. Crystalline verbs cling to brown blades of grass and like ghosts live longest in the shadows. <--I might suggest discarding with the 3 line stanzas and combining these two together--the noun and adj stanza My footsteps sing out crossing fields of stubble corn as the wind carries the air I breathed yesterday <--ahhhh. lovely! across the ocean to become the oxygen that reddens the blood of today’s words that pass between us. <--this last line scans a bit awkwardly--I stumbled reading it aloud. Each is a feather I use to reconstruct the hawk’s body <--each what? Your footsteps? The shift to this image is abrupt missing from the wings I found outspread at the edge of the field. I raise the bloody stumps like a lyre to hear the voice of the wind. I fix the sockets into my shoulder blades, ride the air currents back to the old country where I see you standing in the shadows of Black Gate holding a black cat. <--very cool and eerie image! I soar over the three ponds of Hellbrunn to the gothic splendor of the beautiful city, climb the slopes of the Mönchsberg, storm the turrets of fortress Hohensalzburg. <--I like the specificity here, but wonder if all the references are needed. It was a little disorienting to shift back to the ending stanzas. On either side of the Atlantic we turn his words into purple candle flames that light darkened rooms as our heads slowly silver with the winter wisdom of the lonely one. <--love this--heads slowly silver--wonderful sound and image! Lots of comments, Jim--hope something I've offered is useful to you. A lovely read, my nits notwithstanding. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1938 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lisa, Thanks for being brave enough to read this and comment. I wasn't expecting to get much feedback on this. You have to be familiar with Trakl to know a lot of what I'm talking about. But if you've seen the movie Sound of Music you've seen most of the places mentioned here. It is about the diffculties of translation as well as letting the words and images mentally transport you to a different place and time. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. They are most helpful. If you want to see some of the work that has been done, click on the Trakl link in my signiture. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Co-Editor Loch Raven Review: http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Valued Member Username: sulis Post Number: 178 Registered: 03-2002 |
Your poem is beauty and mystery has sparked an interest for me to discover the poet you mention. Thank you. Ana | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1191 Registered: 10-2005 |
I enjoyed this poem very much Jim. Particularly the new version which has some good improvements. The subject is very unique for a poem, and deserves a wide reading. I went to the web page too. Looks like an engrossing project. There's a lot to get inspiration from in Trakl's work. I'll be back from time to time for that! And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 733 Registered: 08-2004 |
Jim, It's a fine tribute, and those last lines are so good they will stay with me always. we turn his words into purple candle flames that light darkened rooms as our heads slowly silver with the winter wisdom of the lonely one (excellent!) (((smile))) Karen | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4022 Registered: 07-2002 |
Ahh, Jim--wonderful revision. Excellent flow. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1939 Registered: 12-2003 |
Ana, Thanks for the read and comments. Lazarus, Glad you stopped by the site. We add new material every couple of weeks. Hope you can get something out of it. Karen, Thanks for reading. Lisa, I really appreciate your suggestions. I knew this poem wasn't ready when I posted it, but you help get me pointed in the right direction. Thanks, Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Co-Editor Loch Raven Review: http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1553 Registered: 11-2003 |
jim haven't seen one of your poems in lights in a while and too bad, I've missed your work. love the quote and the trakl's autumn is upon us and the rest, excellent entry into this poem thanks laurie | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1971 Registered: 12-2003 |
laurie, Thanks for the kind words. I've been on a break from writing for about 6 months, just starting up again. Glad to see you're going as strong as ever. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Co-Editor Loch Raven Review: http://www.lochravenreview.net. Read the latest Trakl translations at http://www.literaturnische.de/Trakl/english/index-trakl-e.htm. |
